Weight Loss Is Not What You Think: Why Your Worth Isn't Contingent on the Scale

I was scrolling Instagram the other day and came across a weight loss coach sharing success stories. I noticed something in the comments that broke my heart.

Women were saying things like: "I've tried everything. I've failed so many times. I don't think this is going to work for me."

These women were looking at success stories and thinking that all their past failures meant they would never succeed. Because they had failed so many times, they were convinced it just wasn't going to work for them.

I used to be in that category. I thought the same thing.

But here's the truth: If you try to do a puzzle without the main picture, you're never going to solve it because you don't have a guide.

The more you understand how your body and brain work together, the clearer the path becomes to permanent weight loss success.

What's Your Weight Loss Story?

If you were to write a news article about your weight loss experience, what would the headline be? "Woman Lost Weight 20 Times and Gained It All Back"?

I've shared about my experience of putting weight on because of my fear of attracting men after my parents' divorce and past abuse. I didn't have the tools to know what to do.

The more I learned about my emotional needs, the less I needed to turn to food to try to mimic those needs.

The Words We Use Matter

One of the things I hear my clients say constantly is: "I have to lose weight. I need to lose weight for my health."

Of course we want to be healthy. But there's a big difference between "I have to" and "I want to."

"I need to lose weight so I can be better" – What emotion does that bring? Fear. Scarcity. Worry.

"I want to lose weight so I can feel better" – That's hope. Desire. Commitment.

Your thoughts create your emotions. Your emotions fuel your actions.

If you're fueled by anxiety, worry, and fear versus hope, commitment, and endurance – that's going to make a big shift in your results.

The Lie We've Been Told

One of the biggest challenges is that so many of us believe that if we don't look a certain way, we are not worthy.

That's a big lie.

If we never feel worthy and we're always trying to prove ourselves, we're on that hedonic treadmill, always thinking: "In order for me to feel better, I need to do this, this, and this."

Kristin Neff, whose work on compassion I've been studying deeply, explains it perfectly:

"Self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth. It's a judgment: Am I a good person or a bad person? In our culture, to have high self-esteem, you have to feel special and above average.

But self-compassion is different. Self-compassion is not about judging yourself positively. It's about relating to yourself kindly. It's about embracing yourself as you are, flaws and all."

Self-esteem says: "I'll be worthy when I reach my goal weight."

Self-compassion says: "I'm worthy right now, and I can want to care for my body."

Self-esteem is contingent on success. You only feel good about yourself when you succeed. But what happens when you fail? You feel terrible.

Self-compassion is there for you precisely when you fail. Just when self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable – not because you've reached some standard, but because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment.

You Don't Need to Lose Weight to Be Worthy

Your worth as a human has already been decided. You don't need to lose weight. You already matter.

But here's what I also want you to know: You can want things for yourself. You can want more energy. You can want to stop shaming yourself. You can want to feel better in your body.

Those wants matter because you matter.

When you shift from "I need to lose weight to be better" to "I want to care for myself because I already matter" – entirely new options appear.

You don't have to earn your right to care for yourself. You already have it.

What Would We Have to Deal With?

I recently asked one of my clients who has gone up and down in her weight for several years: "If I never coached you again on weight loss, what would we have to deal with?"

She took a step back and thought. Then she said: "I'd have to work on my marriage."

If she can distract herself with circling around her body and her weight, it's a way for her to try to control what's really going on without actually resolving it.

One of the reasons she gains weight and yo-yo diets is that she can distract herself from what's really happening. She knows this battle. She's very familiar with it: I eat food. Food can be an enemy. I lose some weight. I put weight back on.

It's a familiar battle without surprises.

Whereas if she allowed herself to feel those feelings and work through them, she'd have the discomfort of: "Oh, this is now my new body."

The Hidden Reasons We Keep Weight On

Some of the women I work with worry that their husbands don't like it when other men make comments about their bodies. These women actually keep weight on to keep the peace in their marriage.

There are intricacies we don't even realize are happening. But because we stay distracted, we don't see what's really going on.

In the five years I've been coaching women on weight loss, I am saddened and humbled by how many women who have been abused have come to me. For the first time in 20, 30, 40 years, they've felt safe enough to share about being physically or sexually assaulted in their teens or as children.

When they keep extra weight on, it doesn't attract that attention.

We look through Instagram and see all these before and after pictures and think: "I wish I could have that body. I wish I could not carry around this 50, 60, 70 pounds. It's exhausting on my knees, exhausting on my heart. I know it's not good for me."

But if you don't know how to feel safe in your body, it actually feels safer to have a heavier body with all those challenges than to have those eyes on you and face that risk.

Two Things I Need You to Believe

First: Your worth is already set as a human. Regardless of how much you weigh, what kind of house you have, what kind of car you drive, how big your fabric stash is, or how many ribbons you've won – none of those things matter. None of those things impact your worth.

That's the only thing I hope you ever take from me. Please put that into your heart.

Second: Self-compassion is power. As I've worked with women and done my own personal coaching, I have seen the power of compassion in my own life as I've healed my own wounds.

Helping myself with compassion and rewiring the ways I think about myself – I can actually see that the way I've been thinking and punishing myself does not help at all.

The more self-compassion, understanding, kindness, and unconditional love I've given to myself, the more I can lose weight and keep it off.

I want to be the grandma who can do all the things. I want longevity. I want to have this really strong body as I age.

Put Down the Sword

If you're ready to put the sword down, if you're ready to stop trying to earn your worth and start caring for yourself from a place of already being worthy – permanent weight loss doesn't come from proving you're good enough.

It comes from knowing you already are and choosing to care for yourself anyway.

You're worthy of this investment in yourself.

Ready to stop fighting yourself and start caring for yourself from a place of worthiness? Join my Love Yourself Thin program where we learn that your worth isn't contingent on the scale. Learn more at DaraTomasson.com