Stop Being at War With Yourself: Become Your Own Weight Loss Ally

It's mid-January. Things feel a little different than they did at the beginning of the month, right?

Maybe you started January with energy and determination. Now you're noticing it's getting harder. You're being harsher with yourself. That inner critic is getting louder: "You should be doing better. Why can't you just stick with this? What's wrong with you?"

If that sounds familiar, this is for you. Because today we're talking about why being at war with yourself doesn't work – and what happens when you become your own ally instead.

This is the shift that allowed me to lose 50 pounds without fighting myself every step of the way.

My Story: The Weight That Came Off When I Stopped Fighting

In May 2019, I had lost 30 pounds. I felt thrilled. I thought, "Wow, I'm only 10 pounds off my wedding weight. That's incredible." I had five kids and was in perimenopause. Amazing.

Every time I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe that success.

By September, I was down another 10 pounds. By December, another 20. In total, I'd lost 50 pounds – and I didn't even expect that. It wasn't because I needed to lose that extra weight.

It's because I was loving myself and taking care of myself. The weight came off as a side effect.

I didn't get there by fighting myself. I got there by becoming my own ally.

For years, I'd been at war with my body. I criticized myself constantly. I used harsh language. I attacked myself every time I made a mistake. I thought that's what I needed to do to stay motivated.

But here's what Kristin Neff's research shows: We often say things to ourselves we would never say to someone we cared about. We say things to ourselves we probably wouldn't even say to someone we didn't like very much.

We are often our own worst enemy.

When You're at War With Yourself, Everyone Loses

In a war, someone has to lose. But in a war with yourself, everyone loses.

Let me tell you about Connie Rice. She's a civil rights attorney who spent 20 years fighting the LA Police Department with lawsuits. She was successful – her lawsuits brought in over a billion dollars in damages.

But after 20 years, she looked at the Watts neighborhood and said: "This will never be enough. These lawsuits will never end. You cannot legislate behavior change."

So she did something radical.

She interviewed 900 police officers – the very people she'd been fighting against for two decades – and asked them: "What do you need?"

What she heard was fear. Beneath the brutality: "Ms. Rice, I'm terrified of black men. Can you teach me how not to be afraid?"

Her response wasn't to label them or attack them. She said: "Any solution that's going to work has to work for my community AND for you. We need to work together."

They created a new model of policing: hanging out in neighborhoods, tutoring kids, setting up sport teams, health screenings.

The result?

• 90% drop in property crime
• 70% drop in physical crime
• Massive drop in homicides

Compassion didn't make them soft. Compassion gave them power.

The same is true for you. When you stop fighting yourself and start working with yourself, everything changes.

The Switch You Need to Flip

This means treating yourself like you would treat a good friend.

When a friend comes to you struggling, you don't say: "I'm ashamed of you. What a loser. You'll never amount to anything."

You say: "You must be hurting. I'm sorry. That's hard. What can I do to help? How can I support you?"

That's the switch you need to flip.

Not "What's wrong with me?" but "What do I need? How can I support myself right now?"

When you become your own ally instead of your own enemy, you create collaboration instead of war. And collaboration reveals solutions that weren't on the table before.

You don't have to force yourself into weight loss. You can support yourself into it.

Strategy #1: Wear Clothes That Fit

Think about poor Harry Potter for the first 11 years of his life – he never had clothes that fit him properly. He was cinching his pants, his shoes were too big and flopping.

What message does that give?

One of the strategies my coach used with me was: "You need to wear clothes that fit. Stop wearing hoodies and pants that are too tight. And you need to wear a bra that fits you."

I thought, "That's silly. I'm gonna lose weight. I don't want to spend money on clothes I'm gonna grow out of."

But she said: "Just have two or three outfits that feel really good in your current body size."

So I went and got a few outfits that felt really good. She also recommended I do my hair a little bit, maybe put on a little makeup, take some time when I woke up to feel put together.

It was really surprising what started happening.

I started to eat a little healthier. I would sit down and eat instead of throwing together a peanut butter and banana sandwich. I would actually spend time cutting vegetables, cooking meat, sitting at the table.

Even though it was rush, rush, rush during the days, it was really interesting what happened to the way I looked at myself by the way I treated myself.

One of my clients jokes about how much money she spent on new bras because she lost 80 pounds. When you lose 80 pounds, you go through several bra sizes.

But she said that was one of the kindest things she did for herself – prioritizing buying a bra that fit her properly, then buying clothes that fit her properly.

Another client really took this to heart. She bought three outfits and has now lost 32 pounds. Those outfits feel so much better, and she's so proud of herself.

What Makes a Good Friend?

Think about your friendships. What makes a good friend? What are the things you say to your friend that make you think, "I'm a great friend"?

Now think of your best friend. Why are they your best friend? How did they qualify? What do they do, what do they say to help you?

Now ask yourself: Am I being that kind of friend to myself?

My Story: When a Friend Asked the Hard Question

When I was 21, my parents got divorced after 28 years of marriage. I didn't even know they had marriage problems. Everything was behind closed doors.

My world turned upside down. I was very confused and devastated. I used food to fill myself up so I didn't have to feel my emotions so much.

One of the reasons I overate was because I didn't want to attract attention from boys. I didn't trust the whole process anymore. I'd kind of lost faith in love and marriage. It was really confusing.

Years went by. I worked a lot, I was overeating, I wasn't running as much as I used to. I had extra weight and was very confused. I thought my dress sizes were wrong.

I had a really close friend who gently said to me: "What's going on? Why do you have this extra weight? What's happening?"

I was able to look at myself through a compassionate lens. I knew I needed to change. I knew I needed to stop living in fear.

So I went to a counselor and got help. She gave me an assignment: "I want you to phone, contact, or meet with five married couples you admire. Ask them what makes their marriage great."

What surprised me most were all the little things couples did for each other.

One of my favorite examples: One woman was a real estate agent. They moved into a new house without an automatic garage door opener. She liked parking in the garage but didn't like getting out, opening the door, getting back in, then driving in.

Her husband would text her: "When are you gonna be home?" Then he'd make sure to open the garage for her right before she arrived.

Every time she drove into the garage, she'd think: "My husband really loves me."

Now my husband knows how much I love our hot tub. He and one of my sons will turn it on for me or make me a fire because they know how much I love being warm.

Small acts. But they go a long way.

The Inside-Out Transformation

As you work on changing your relationship with yourself and how you use food, using healthy food makes us feel healthier and happier in our bodies.

Instead of going to the chocolate bar when you're sad, you can just feel sad and allow that emotion to pass.

Instead of throwing together a peanut butter and banana sandwich (which you'll crash from in 20 minutes and need chocolate to stay awake), you spend more time eating healthier food.

You move your body more. You drink water more. You go to bed earlier.

All of those things make you feel happier inside.

This is inside-out transformation. You're finally letting yourself treat yourself like you would a really good friend.

What Kind of Boss Are You Being to Yourself?

Think about Connie Rice's story. After 20 years of lawsuits, she finally said: "Enough is enough. We have to stop throwing money at this problem. We have to get to the root."

The more she could see that officers were afraid of people in the community, the more she could address it. They said, "Please teach us how not to be afraid of them."

This is what I do for you: I help you learn not to be afraid of food. Not to be afraid of your body. Not to be afraid of failure. Not to be afraid of having difficult conversations.

If you're ready to take that gentle and kind approach, I'm ready for you.

The Real Work of Weight Loss

When I think about creating permanent weight loss, we really need to change the way we think about our relationship with ourselves. How we decide to treat ourselves. No longer beating ourselves up.

If you aren't happy and satisfied in your life, it's hard to be happy and satisfied around other people.

You deserve to become your own ally.

Listen to this full podcast episode:

Ready to stop being at war with yourself? Join my Love Yourself Thin program where we learn to work with ourselves instead of against ourselves. You get lifetime access to tools that turn you from enemy to ally – because you are the best investment and you deserve to treat yourself that way. Learn more at DaraTomasson.com