The Connection Between Relationships and Emotional Eating

Did you know there is a connection between your relationships and emotional eating? Sometimes we turn to food when we are frustrated with situations involving family or friends. Let's dive into why this happens and how to overcome it!

The Connection Between Relationships and Emotional Eating

Here's something most people don't realize: The same thinking patterns that keep us stuck in difficult relationship dynamics are often the exact same patterns that drive us to emotional eating.

We create what I call "cases" against people. We decide ahead of time how they're going to act, what they're going to say, what they're thinking. We get so stuck in our story about them that we can't think clearly about our own needs or responses.

Sound familiar? It's the same thing we do with food. "I always overeat at parties." "I can't control myself around dessert." "I'm just not good at this."

When we're stuck in someone else's thinking – trying to manage their feelings, predict their reactions, or control their behavior – we lose access to our own wisdom. And that's often when we turn to food for comfort.

Tammy's Story: The TV Dilemma

Let me tell you about Tammy. She recently retired and thought she'd finally have time for quilting and her other projects. But every night, she felt obligated to sit and watch TV with her husband.

She didn't really want to. She wanted to be quilting. But she'd created the story that if she didn't sit with him every single night, he would feel neglected.

Night after night, she sat there feeling resentment. And what do you think happened with all that resentment? It had to go somewhere.

She'd have rebellious days – like spending eight hours gallivanting through shops. The whole time felt fun, but she also felt guilty. So she didn't actually replenish herself. She made things worse.

The Exhaustion Cycle:

1. Resentment → Rebellion
2. Rebellion → Guilt
3. Guilt → More people pleasing
4. People pleasing → More resentment

Here's the plot twist: The very next day after one of these rebellious episodes, she drove two and a half hours each way (five hours total driving) plus attended a funeral – a whole day away from her husband. Zero guilt.

She couldn't spend one evening reading a book without feeling guilty about neglecting her husband, but she could spend an entire day away for a funeral without any guilt.

What Was the Difference?

For the funeral: "This is important. This is the right thing to do. My husband would understand and support me."

For quilting: "This is selfish. He'll feel hurt. I should put his needs first."

But here's what Tammy discovered through coaching: Although her husband requested to spend time together, she never created healthy boundaries with him about how much time she'd spend watching TV versus quilting.

After 46 years of marriage, she was still having these problems. Now she was judging herself for not communicating better AND spending all her time in his head – making decisions based on his potential problems and thoughts.

She was living in his imaginary thoughts instead of her own real needs.

Do You Recognize Yourself?

Maybe it's not about TV or your spouse. Maybe it's:

• Feeling like you have to cook elaborate meals because your family expects it (but you've never asked what they actually want)
• Not speaking up about holiday plans because it will cause drama (but you end up stressed and overeating instead)
• Saying yes to social events you don't want to attend because people will be disappointed (then eating your feelings about it later)
• Not taking time for quilting because it's "selfish" when there are dishes to do (even though no one has asked you to do them right away)
• Your husband offers a cookie before bed and you say yes because you don't want to hurt his feelings
• Your husband makes dinner you don't really like, you eat it anyway without saying anything, and the same drama keeps coming up

These are all real examples from women in my program. In every case, you're making decisions based on what you think other people think instead of what you actually know to be true.

Why This Matters for Emotional Eating

Resentment is one of the most common emotions that drives us to food.

When we feel like we can't express our real needs, when we feel trapped by obligations we've never actually negotiated, when we're giving and giving without getting what we need back – that resentment has to go somewhere.

We eat our resentment. We eat our unexpressed needs. We eat our frustration with situations we feel powerless to change.

And here's the truth: Most of the time we're not actually powerless. We're just stuck in stories that aren't serving us.

How to Get Unstuck

1. Get Honest About Your Stories

Ask yourself:

• What am I assuming about this person?
• What story have I created about what they need, want, or expect from me?
• How much of that story is actually based on real conversations we've had?

2. Have the Conversations You've Been Avoiding

This doesn't mean being confrontational or demanding. It means being curious and honest.

"Hey, I've been thinking I should sit with you every evening, but I'm wondering how you actually feel about it. Would you mind if I spent some evenings quilting?"

Most of the time, you'll be surprised by the response. The person might say, "I didn't know you felt so obligated. Of course you should do what you enjoy."

3. Remember: You're Not Responsible for Managing Others' Emotions

Sometimes when you start expressing your real needs, the other person might not respond well initially. They might get defensive or say they don't want to talk about it.

You are not responsible for managing other people's emotions. You are responsible for expressing your needs kindly and clearly.

If someone gets upset because you want to spend an evening quilting instead of watching TV, that's information about their ability to self-soothe – not evidence that you're doing something wrong.

What You Can Try This Week

Notice when you feel resentful or frustrated in a relationship. Instead of immediately reaching for food or stuffing the feeling down, ask yourself:

• What story am I telling myself about this situation?
• What am I assuming about what this person thinks or needs?
• What would happen if I had an honest, kind conversation about this?

Just start by noticing the stories you're creating and asking yourself how much of them are actually true.

The Beautiful Result

As you start to relate to people from a clearer, more honest space, your entire nervous system calms down.

You're not constantly trying to read minds or manage emotions that aren't yours to manage. You're not carrying around resentment that needs to be eaten or rebellion that needs to be expressed through food.

You start to feel more at peace in your relationships, which means you feel more at peace with your body.

Remember This

You don't have to choose between taking care of yourself and being loving to others.

When you stop managing others' emotions and start expressing your own needs clearly and kindly, your relationships actually get healthier. You show up more authentically, you carry less resentment, and you model emotional honesty for everyone around you.

The goal isn't to become selfish or uncaring. The goal is to become clear about where you end and other people begin.

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