How to Handle the Death of a Loved One Without Using Food to Manage Your Grief

Do you struggle at the holidays with the death of a family member? Do you worry you're going to keep eating out of control or spinning out of control because you miss them so much?

Today I'm going to show you how to turn something that's so hard and difficult into something that will make your family and your life stronger than you ever thought possible.

What's Really Going On: Food and Family Are Enmeshed

Remember Pavlov's dogs? He'd ring a bell and introduce food enough times that the dogs would start salivating just hearing the bell. These dogs had to be deconditioned, or years later they'd still salivate at the sound of bells.

We're trained the same way.

We have associations with food and the holidays. What was once special – an orange and a few candies in a stocking – has exploded into unlimited sugar and refined flour everywhere.

My grandpa Mike always had butterscotch Lifesavers in his pocket. When I taste that butterscotch, I have memories of him – a very gentle and sweet man. I can feel nostalgic. I can feel sadness. All those feelings.

Food and family memories are combined.

When we have a death of a family member around the holidays, we have the association of happy memories with them AND the association of their death. It feels very confusing.

How can I still feel joy when I miss them so much?

The Three Things You Need to Understand

1. Separate Food From the Person

You have enmeshed the difference between food and the person.

My mom makes carrot pudding with caramel topping because that's what her mom did. My grandma died when I was seven. My mom is trying to keep family memories alive because there are ways for her to feel connected. And that's okay.

But here's the truth: I don't ever have to make carrot pudding and I can still love and honor my grandma Mary.

Inside my program, I help clients see what the role of food is for them and make a job description. Then we look at the role of relationships, friendships, family dynamics – how they want to show up in the world.

I ask my clients: If a doctor said you couldn't eat for a month (December 10th to January 10th), but you'd get injections for energy – would you still be able to have a good holiday?

It's fascinating to watch the mental gymnastics. The realization: It's actually not about the food. It's about being with the people.

2. You're Going to Miss Them (And That's Okay)

Unfortunately, we weren't really taught how to feel our feelings. If you were never allowed to feel sad in your society, culture, or family, it feels confusing to know what to do with that sadness.

My recommendation: Learn how to be with that emotion.

When you're feeling sad, put two hands on your heart, press gently, and say: "I understand you're feeling sad. It's totally appropriate."

I have a picture of my Grandma Hazel with my third son Owen as a baby. Every time I look at it, I get teary because my two younger boys never got to know her in person. That's an appropriate emotion. It's appropriate to feel sad that my boys didn't get that experience.

We don't need to be afraid of emotions.

3. Write Down What You Miss

Sadness gives us clues. Sadness says, "I miss that person. I'm sad that they're not here."

What are you sad about?

• Not being able to pick up the phone and talk to them?
• Not getting their wisdom?
• Not getting that back-and-forth love?

This gives you clues.

Now you can be proactive and say: What do I want to do to fill that void? How am I going to do that?

Food Becomes the Filler of the Void

We don't want food to be filling the void. The effects of filling emotional voids with food are detrimental: different cancers, type 2 diabetes, lack of mobility, lack of energy, brain fog.

There are lots of consequences to carrying all this extra weight on our bodies.

How to Honor Them Instead

What we're really wanting to do is honor our family, honor those experiences, and pass those forward.

Example 1: The Mike and Hazel Bowl

My dad wanted to honor his parents who loved golfing, bowling, and curling. So we created a tradition:

• Bigger kids and adults go golfing
• Younger kids and moms go bowling
• Everyone meets for Chinese buffet dinner
• Pumpkin pie at someone's house after

My dad had a hat from my grandma and a green jacket from my grandpa. Whoever won bowling got the hat for the year. Whoever won golf got the coat.

We called it "The Mike and Hazel Bowl." My kids know their great-grandparents better because of this tradition.

Example 2: Daddy-Daughter Photo Time

One client's father passed away right before the holidays. He was an avid photographer with thousands of photos and slides.

She created "daddy-daughter time" where she goes through those pictures and organizes them, honoring him in that way.

When she's with those photos, it's like she's building her relationship – because our relationships are always our thoughts about people.

The Biggest Lie

One of the biggest lies I see women tell themselves is: "It's selfish for me to take care of myself."

That's one of the biggest lies. Because the more you can be healthy in your brain and in your body, the ripple effects benefit everyone.

Even my kids' friends benefit from me doing this work. Younger people follow me on Instagram wanting that influence because they love feeling hope and encouragement. It's magnetic. They need genuine connections.

Your Next Step

The more you can look at your own life, honor your life, and look at it in the bigger picture, the more good you can do.

If you're struggling and want to feel more connected and happier in your life, there are tools that actually work – not because they require superhuman willpower, but because they address what's really happening underneath your eating patterns.

You can honor the people you've lost without using food to manage your grief.

Ready to learn how to process emotions without turning to food? Join my coaching program where we work on separating food from feelings and building healthy ways to honor the people you love. Learn more at DaraTomasson.com