Understand Your Subconscious Thoughts to Lose Weight

You've seen about a thousand ads for new diets, new meal plans, and new fitness programs – all promising this is the year everything's going to work.

Every diet you've ever tried focused on what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat. Calories, macros, portions, meal timing, food lists. Download this app, do this thing.

Here's what nobody tells you: That's not actually the problem you need to solve.

Weight loss is a symptom. The food is just what's happening on the surface. There's something else entirely going on, and until you understand what that is, you're going to keep spinning your wheels.

My Daughter's Broken Arm

One day my daughter was swinging on a swing. She was about five years old and she fell. She broke her arm, but I didn't realize it. I just thought she fell and was really sad and it hurt.

We comforted her, put some ice on it, and drove for about an hour and a half. She fell asleep. Then we went into a store and I said, "Hey honey, can you hold this for me?"

She tried to hold it and said, "Mom, I can't do this. My arm doesn't work very well."

I looked at her arm. I couldn't actually tell that it was broken, but I thought this is clearly not a good sign. I took her to emergency, she got an X-ray, and sure enough it was broken.

When she was in pain, if I didn't go and get the X-ray, I was just dealing with the symptoms. She said it was painful. I gave her ice. I could give her Tylenol, raise it up to take off pressure, give her extra love.

Those are just treating the symptoms. But the root problem of why she was having pain was because she broke her arm.

What Are the Real Reasons You Turn to Food?

Many of us have challenges: How do we say no to somebody? We're afraid we'll get rejected. We're afraid that even if we lose weight, our family might reject us because we won't belong.

What are the reasons why you keep turning to food? Even though every morning you say, "Okay, I'm gonna be really good. I'm not gonna overeat."

I had a client recently who was doing really well. She was losing two pounds a week consistently and feeling really good. After about 10 pounds, she found herself in her kitchen just starting to eat all this food.

Why?

In her brain there was danger, there was a threat. She didn't feel safe. She was losing weight, feeling really good. When we dug into what was really happening, here's what we discovered:

She was afraid that if she kept being successful, if she kept losing weight, she would be too different. And her family might reject her.

She went back to overeating – not because she lacked willpower, but because her survival brain was protecting her from something it perceived as dangerous: being cast out from the tribe.

We are wired to belong. Historically, if you were exiled into the wilderness without the protection of your group, you would die.

This is what I mean when I say weight loss is a symptom. It's not really about the food. It's not about counting calories or tracking steps. It's about seeing what's happening in your brain.

The Gunman at the Dinner Party

Dr. Stephen Trzeciak tells a story in his research on compassion about a gunman who came to a dinner party. The man pointed a gun at a woman and her daughter and said, "Give me your money, or I'm going to start shooting."

No one had any money. They tried guilt: "What would your mother think?"

He said, "I haven't got a mother."

Now it's tense. Someone's going to get hurt.

Then a woman tried something different. She said, "Hey, we're all celebrating. Why don't you sit down and share a glass of wine?"

Just like that, everything changed. The man took the wine, put his gun in his pocket, asked for a hug, and eventually said, "I'm sorry," and walked out.

What happened? This woman met a fundamental need. She didn't know what need, but whatever it was, he wanted it more than money. And it was strong enough to deflect a bullet.

Your Overeating Is About an Unmet Need

Your overeating is not about the food. Your overeating is about an unmet need.

Maybe it's:

• Safety - like my client who was afraid of rejection
• Comfort - soothing yourself when feelings become too big
• Connection - filling a void that feels unbearable
• Control - the one thing you can control when everything else feels chaotic

When you try to solve weight loss by just changing what you eat, you're dealing with the level of actions, not at the level of deep-seated needs.

And when someone tries to stop you from the actions you're using to meet your needs, two things happen:

1. You become the enemy standing between you and what you need
2. You escalate

This is why diets fail. You become your own enemy. You try to stop yourself from eating, and you escalate.

The alternative? Bypass the actions and go straight to the needs. Look at yourself and say: "I'm not an opponent that needs to be stopped. I'm a person with needs that I need badly, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail."

When you flip that switch, you stop attacking yourself. You start getting curious: What do I need right now? What is this overeating really about?

My Subconscious Cookie Story

Near the beginning of my journey, my life coach taught me about my thoughts and how my body is connected to my thoughts. I did six weeks of no sugar and flour.

Then it was a typical Saturday morning with my five kids. It's really important that everyone cleans their rooms Saturday morning. It wasn't always the most favorite activity.

I was using my strategies: "Okay guys, let's clean our rooms. As soon as we clean, we can go play basketball or go swimming."

There was one or two kids not being as excited to clean their room. Someone had brought us cookies.

At least three times I grabbed a cookie and put it to my mouth, didn't even know I was doing it. Then I would have the cookie in my mouth about to eat it and realize, "Oh, I don't eat cookies unless I plan them 24 hours in advance."

I would take the cookie out of my mouth and put it down.

Three times I subconsciously gravitated to that cookie to give me that extra energy to be a good mom and help my kids clean their rooms.

It really amazed me how often I subconsciously went to food ever since I was a little girl.

The Dark Chocolate in the Freezer

Here's another embarrassing story: My mom had a giant chunk of chocolate in her freezer because she made chocolates at Christmas. It wasn't very good chocolate – like dark chocolate, which little kids don't usually like.

The deep freeze was in the basement. There would be times where I'd be sad or felt lonely (my mom had five kids in six years), and I would literally gnaw on that chocolate. Even though it wasn't that great, it was a way for me to self-soothe.

There were times after school where I would sit on the countertop with a spoon of peanut butter, trying to make myself feel better.

Geneen Roth said on a retreat once: Every time we go to food is an attempt to take care of ourselves.

The Dinner Table Disconnect

I worked with my coach on understanding my hunger. I had five kids in different sports and activities. My husband's work was very busy. He wasn't available for driving.

I was amazed at how often I would eat dinner and not even be present with myself. My brain was in a completely different spot: "Okay, as soon as dinner's done, so-and-so's gonna do the dishes, then we gotta do this, then I have to get this..."

I was doing all the logistics of getting everyone everywhere.

So many times I would leave the table feeling really full. My pants were really tight. I thought, "What's going on?"

It's because I wasn't paying attention to my satiety, to how full I was.

The other thing? I was feeling so stressed that eating more physically dampened how much I could feel. The more food in my stomach, the less I had to feel my emotions.

The Right Tools for the Job

About eight or nine years ago, I bought a long arm and had to buy the seller's whole quilt shop. She had beautiful quilt tops that I quilted up for donations.

I did one for my sister's daughter's university auction. I was trying to do the binding at my sister's house, but she didn't have all the quilt tools I was used to having. Her iron wasn't as good as mine. I had to improvise.

I thought, "Oh man, it's so much easier to do this job if I have the right tools."

So many of us didn't have all these emotional tools. This understanding and knowledge. Now that I have it, I've been able to keep this weight off all through perimenopause and menopause because I use these tools every single day.

What's Beautiful About This Approach

Here's what's beautiful: When you can meet your fundamental needs directly – when you can give yourself safety, comfort, connection, or whatever you're actually hungry for – you don't need the food anymore.

When I was stressed, I ate cookies. Oh, I don't need to eat the cookies. I just need to deal with the stress.

I overate because I didn't want to feel as much emotion. Oh, I can just feel my feelings. I don't have to overeat.

Grab my free self-assessment quiz "Subconscious Food Beliefs Holding You Back from Weight Loss"

Stop Treating the Symptom

An app that tracks your calories or gives you special numbers isn't going to help you because so much of what you're doing is subconscious.

When you understand what's really going on, that's when you can create permanent weight loss.

If you're ready to stop treating the symptom and start solving the real problem, you need tools that work on your brain and connect to your body. No more fighting yourself. Just real, lasting change.

Ready to solve the real problem underneath your weight struggle? Join my Love Yourself Thin program where we work on understanding what's really going on so you can create permanent transformation. Learn more at DaraTomasson.com